Friday, November 13, 2009

Record Muley Bagged

Record Muley Bagged
(OLM Wire Services- 11/12/09)

Tim "Tag" Taggart bagged what he claims is a record mule deer buck.
The deer, killed over on Big Mallard Creek during the early archery hunt, has " bigger horns then ever seen on a muley", according to Tag.
Tag came into the town with the huge buck in the back of his truck so he could show the townsfolk the record.

Tag Taggart with his record muley

When asked how he knew it was a record, Tag responded " Ya ever seen a muley with horns as big as these here?" When the answer was no, Tag replied, "there ya have it."
When questioned on the possibility that it might be an elk, Tag invited this reporter up to take a look. " Ha! Look at this here. Whut does this here tag affixed t' the antler say? Read it good and loud. Loud nuff fer everone t' hear!"
"It says,Official Mule Deer Tag only. Not for use on Elk."
"Well there ya go."
"Looks like it's legal folks. Tag Taggart has a Record Muley!!", responded this reporter.
The cheering was as loud as has ever been heard in Lagerville, well, since the cheese truck crashed, anyway.
"Wait til Lud Morgan hears about this!" yelled one bystander as the crowd dispersed.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Celebrity Whipped

(OLM Wire Services 04/18/09)
Nearly two months after the grand opening events for Lanky's Roughneck Saloon had all but concluded, a celebrity reared his glamorous head in Lagerville and was promptly mudwrestled to the ground by saloon proprietor Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson. The bout was over within seconds and Roughneck declared himself the winner.
Larry Storch, Corporal Agarn of F-Troop fame, was the hapless celebrity who wandered into town at the wrong time and didn't know what hit him until he was covered with mud and Roughneck Lawson.



Larry Storch








Storch demands a rematch saying his "years of wrestling Chief Wild Eagle has taken it's toll", and that if he can get a non-surprise bout he feels he can get Roughneck to "cry uncle in a matter of minutes".
We'll keep you posted on the rematch, if there is one.
In case you missed it, here are the winners from the Grand Opening festivities:
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Officer Buck Wallace. His skill was and is unmatched.
Dart Tournament: Porad Skinner, much improved over the Ruptured Duck Crushing of 1989.
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Tie- The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a beer guzzling contest until they'd won.
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Tie -The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a yarn spinnin' contest until they'd won.
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Lila Shorewill, visitor from Conconully, WA happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a wet t-shirt contest until she'd won.
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, surprise attack sealed celebrity Larry Storch's

Rescue Party Looks For Lorne

(OLM WireServices - 04/18/09)

A rescue party scoured the hills south of town today, looking for young Lorne Young who vanished after school yesterday. He was walking home from school after school, this reporter learned, and never reached home by dinner time. His mother says that she misses him but sometimes doesn't think about it.
The rescue squad looked and looked for Lorne throughout yesterday evening and into the dark. The search continued today with Mayor Porad Skinner taking a leadership role in the search.





Mayor Skinner seen here looking forlorn while taking a break from looking for Lorne.






Visibly discouraged, Mayor Porad Skinner leaned against the corner of the porch at the old Starin home, which was a abandonded years ago and since has become a popular hangout for youths. The Mayor had a hunch that the Young boy may have gone to this area, but the search revealed nothing except the hat and jacket he was last seen wearing. "I don't know what to think," said Mayor Skinner who seemed to be shaken by the inability of the Rescue Squad to find Lorne. "We need to find something that gives us hope, that gives us an idea where he might have gone. We need to keep looking for the poor lad, at least until we find him."
The towns folks still held out hope to find Lorne. Meanwhile the Spring-Loaded Festival is still in full swing, so if you get tired of looking for Lorne, come back to town and raise your spirits at the SLF.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Cracker Truck Jackknifes on Hairpin Turn

(OLM WireServices – 04/15/09)

A recent cheese 'n' cracker delivery to the Lagerville General Store went awry.
The large 18-wheel diesel truck jackknifed coming down Lagerville Grade on the notorious Hairpin Turn, named so because it was shaped like a ladie’s hairpin. The accident happened at approximately 9:32 am and the truck ended up on it’s side a few yards over the edge of the highway.

Individual servings of Cheese N' Crackers, however, were scattered all the way down the hillside. Some still in their case boxes and some individually strewn about.

Deputy Cannonball was the second to arrive on the scene and when asked to give his assessment of the situation, he replied, "Free Cheese 'N' Crackers!"
This was apparently the sentiment of everyone, as already a multitude of townsfolk had gathered on the grade to collect free Cheese N' Crackers.

"I'll never have to buy free Cheese 'N' Crackers again!" cried one gatherer.

Offcer Wallace arrived shortly thereafter with LC Parker, the owner of Lagerville General. When asked if she thought that this would hurt Cheese 'N' Cracker sales, she yelled, " This will definitely put a damper on it, but luckily Cheese 'N' Crackers ain't my bread ‘n’ butter!"
When asked by this reporter what her bread and butter was, she cried. "Bread ‘n’ butter, ain't that whut I jus’ said!?"

By noon all the free Cheese 'N' Crackers were gone from the road and hillside.

RESIDENT ATTEMPTS TO SELL PROPERTY WITH PINK CHAIRS AROUND FIRE PIT

(OLM WireServices 04/15/09)

A daring, dashing young resident has put his house up for sale recently and the asking price would produce a fine profit if achieved. However, this dashing, daring, young homeowner has placed photographs of pink chairs around the fire pit on his online (internet) house selling advertisement. The beautiful 3 story enchanting home, complete with the Lagerville watertower in the south acreage, has been richly enhanced by the inclusion of the pink chairs around the fire pit.
Other home owners in the area cry fowl that the pink chairs around the fire pit are an unfair advantage in the selling of the home.
Local real estate experts and appraisers think that his asking price is too low now that the pink chairs have been strategically placed around the fire pit.
“What a good effort in this homeowners thinking,” said one agent. “ If he’d set th’ pink chairs out in front of th' garage where they could get run over, or in th' slope of the driveway, they wouldn’t have nearly the financial effect they do now.”
Deputy Cannonball, the second two arrive on the seen and sitting in one of the pink “Adirondack” chairs, said that he couldn’t tell the chairs were pink when he lay back in the chair and “stared straight up t’ th’ heavens”.

LC Parker, starting to raise an axe to the chairs, cried “I hate these gawddam chairs!” Luckily Sheriff Buck Wallace arrived and subdued the irate Parker before she could inflict any damage.

Just then, the daring, dashing young homeowner returned home and the real estate agents, appraisers, Sheriffs, Deputies, reporters and LC Parkers beat a hasty retreat off the property of the bewildered homeowner.

There was no fire in the fire pit at the time of this report.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Johnson Pasture Floods

(OLM WireServices - 03/23/09)

Surveying the recently flooded pasture, Dirk Zoner said that even though his cows had been in the Johnson pasture by Johnson creek (considered to be a river by some) just a few of months, they were already falling in love with it. “It’s a great place for them to roam around and eat grass all day long,” said Zoner, "and at night, who knows what they do."

All that changed early Tuesday morning, when a torrent of water surged over the banks of Johnson creek during a heavy rain. By the next day, nearly two thirds of the pasture was covered with water and the cows were forced to avoid the flooded area and concentrate their grazing on the remaining, unflooded, pasture. "If the water would’ve risen much more, it’d put the entire pasture underwater an’ we’d’ve had t’ move the cows back across the road t’ the other pasture,” said Zoner, one of many Greater Lagerville area residents who knew that it was raining pretty heavily the other night. “We haven't had this much rain since Nov ’08 when we had that big rain. The river rising certainly wasn't something we expected.”

The most severe damage was done where the pasture was closest to Johnson Creek.

"I lived here just 11 years, but I've worked in the area 32 years and I've never seen anything like this," said Zoner's next-door neighbor, Craig "Burkey" Burk, whose woodshed had water rise up to the foundation and nearly dampen the siding.

Neighbors, driving by on the county road, said that they did notice that the cows seemed to be congregating in one area. Lud Morgan, who lives at the top of the hill sometimes, said that he thought it was just the cows "herdin' instinct" that caused them to stay together at the upper end of the pasture. That is, until he noticed the nearly 10 inches* of water in the lower section of the pasture.

*some estimates had the depth of the water at 11 inches.


Note the stick, possibly part of a longer branch, and other debris left by the floodwaters in the lower end of the pasture near Johnson Creek.

When this reporter pointed out this sign to Dirk Zoner, he said he had not seen it prior to renting the Johnson pasture.

Video of what local experts say Johnson Creek may have looked like prior to flooding the Johnson pasture.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Lagerville Talent Show/Contest Cancelled

(OLM WireServices 02/20/09)

This reporter has learned that, due to the lack of available talent, the 5th Annual Lagerville Talent Show/Contest scheduled for Thursday, February 26th, 2009 will be cancelled.
“This will be the 5th year in a row I’ve had to cancel the talent show,” explained talent show organizer/host Gary Flair. “ If this keeps up I may not bother to put on the Lagerville Talent Show/Contest anymore.”
Ironically, Flair insists that his talent is putting on talent shows but lately has nothing to show for it.
“Seems like all the people with talent are busy this coming Thursday so I have no choice but to cancel again this year,” continued Flair.
“You ain’t got no talent show!” cried LC Parker.
Just then Deputy Cannonball, the second to arrive on the scene, mentioned that he was available Thursday.
“ I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Deputy,” said Flair, “but it’s just too late. And you have no talent.”
“ All the others with talent are available Friday,” said Deputy Cannonball.
“Yes, therein lies my dilemma,” replied Flair.
Those of you without talent that were available to watch the talent show, don’t bother.
Due to an apparent scheduling conflict, it has been cancelled.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

New Saloon Opens in Lagerville

(OLM WireServices – 02/17/09)

Lanky's Roughneck Saloon will be having it's grand opening on February 28th. Owner Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson says he will cater to all roughnecks in and around Lagerville. "And them who's necks ain't so rough. They'll be 'fodder for the Roughnecks".


Roughneck Lawson (pictured at left) means bidness, Saloon bidness.

Roughneck, who used to run an illegal still up past Sinker Mountain, decided that he might as well make legal money rather than be on constant run from the law, Officer Wallace in particular.
When asked, by this reporter, how he had managed to get his liquor license, Roughneck replied, " Liquor license?" All technicalities aside, Roughneck says that his establishment will be the premiere entertainment center in Lagerville inside a year.
He also says he plans to have the best gizzards east of Doofers. In fact, he will have free gizzards for all during the Grand Opening festivities.
Roughneck encourages all who want to participate in his grand opening tournaments.

Scheduled Events, February 28, 2009
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Noon to Closing
Dart Tournament: Noon to Closing
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Noon to Closing
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Noon to Closing
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Noon to Closing
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Whenever a Celebrity shows up

Monday, February 16, 2009

MARSHALL’S MEAT CENTER PLANS HUGE SALE

(OLM WireServices - 02/16/09)

Frank Marshall, owner and operator of Marshall’s Meat Center, confirmed today that Marshall’s Meat Center will be having a huge 4-Hour sale this weekend.
Marshall says that this will be the longest 4- Hour sale ever seen in Lagerville, Idaho.
Marshall’s purpose of this huge sale is to bring in customers from as far away as Darby, Montana and also to sell off all the grocery items that expired 5 -10, even 15 years ago.
“It’s just not cost effective to keep all these expired items, especially in t’days economy” said Marshall, “They’re still good for sure, but some people shy away from items that have that pesky expiration date. I mean, take this Gerber Baby Cereal, expiration November 7th, 1993, how can baby cereal go bad? It’ll be a great bargain for someone.”
Marshall also plans to sell off his stockpile of venison tenderloin.
This year Marshall says he won’t jack up the prices a week ahead of the sale and then reduce them to the normal price as he used to do when he tried unsuccessfully to have huge sales.
“I even plan to have m’ son, Huey, flown in here to help around the cash register because of all the anticipated business. Plus I’m havin’ trouble with th’ e-mail so I’m sure he’ll fix that too.”
Marshall plans to open the doors early on Saturday so he can get the four hours over with as soon as possible so he can take his stoneflies and go catch some whitefish.
There will be a free balloon so come early when the doors open at 6am on Saturday.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Mayor Has Last LAFF

(OLM WireServices – 02/12/09)

Mayor Porad Skinner has finally attempted to reform the Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing Club (LAFF), something that he had been threatening to do ever since he caught that sucker on an egg pattern over on Jack’s Creek four years ago.
“Formin’ Clubs is my passion,” said Mayor Porad Skinner who spoke more eloquently than usual today, undoubtedly due to his passions, “ I also have a passion fer fashion, but that’s another story with a very different ending. These kinda clubs is different than golf clubs. I also love fly fishin’ an’ so I decided to form LAFF fer all the people whut love fly fishin’ an’ clubs in the Greater Lagerville area . Even folks from Dixie are welcome, but let’s not get carried away. Kooskia has their own club so they’re not welcome. In fact we’ll probably challenge ‘em t’ some sort a contest so’s we can show ‘em who’s best at whatever contest we challenge ‘em to. Most good clubs have 10- 12 dedicated individuals who show up and particapate at ever meetin’, not like BIFF over in Warshington.”
“Them bastards shoulda been reformed a long time ago!” cried LC Parker.
Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing Club (LAFF) will meet the first Tuesday of every month unless it falls on a holiday. If it does then they’ll just skip that day and meet again on the first Tuesday of the next month unless, of course, that falls on a holiday.
“Holidays are fer fishin’ not meetin’,” stated Mayor Porad Skinner.
If you want to join LAFF (Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing Club), stop by the Mayor’s office and fill out a form. If he’s out of forms, just write it down.
Although he’s tried to form this club many times before, Mayor Porad Skinner vows that if it fails he will not try again. “This will be the last LAFF,” he assured.

The History of Lagerville

Around about 1868, most of the gold mining in California was either dying out, or moving to the more expensive rock mining. The original placer miners had dispersed throughout the Northwest looking for other opportunities.
Within Idaho Territory miners had established mining towns in Florence, on Crooked River, and back in the Buffalo Hump area. These mining activities were all going strong, and more people were flocking to the area. Some of the more adventurous miners, tiring of the crowds, went in search of a new find and wandered the breaks of the Salmon River, but eventually venturing back in toward Red River and the current Crooked River mines.
Small pockets of gold were found throughout that country, but eventually two young miners, Heinreich Midas and Ville Sanchez, discovered gold high in the mountains. These two enterprising young miners staked their claims, and then laid out a townsite for the hoards they knew would follow. They named this town Midasville, and staked out 40 lots on a hillside overlooking their mining claim.

Midasville was a huge success until one day a newcomer, the great Pettifogger "Lucky" Wallace, came to the area and discovered a flat spot about 100 feet to the North of the current townsite. This newcomer, Lucky, started brewing beer and selling it over a wagon gate placed on two barrels. Pretty soon, someone had stolen his barrels, but he stayed anyway and a town formed around him. This new town, Lagerville, absorbed the entire populace of Midasville.

Thusly, the gold ran out in the Midas-Sanchez mine. There were several mines still operating in the area and supporting the newly-formed Lagerville in style. But Heinreich Midas died penniless and was used as a Halloween prop for many years. Ville Sanchez returned to his native Canada never to be seen again.

As quickly as the mining died out, logging became the leading industry in Lagerville. Many illiterate loggers were proud to have the name Lagerville and flocked to decimate the Old Growth Forest in the area. Sometime later,they learned that the lager in Lagerville was actually a form of beer rather than loggers. This pleased them enormously that their two favorite things were the same word but different spelling. To celebrate this prime coincidence, they started the Lagerville Logger's Lager Days in September 1890. The loggers would compete in beer guzzling and other beer games and the Lagers, as the beer makers were called, competed in logging contests such as single buck and double chop. A great time was had by all contestants and all spectators.


This continued well into the 20th century until the Great Bark Beetle Infestation of 1930 - 1934 wiped out the Old Growth Forest. To save the forest for future logging, Spoted owls were brought in to eradicate the bark beetle so the Old Growth Forest would grow back. Once the bark beetle was wiped out and the Old Growth Forest grew back, the Spoted owl had become so accustomed to this new Old Growth Forest that it could not live anywhere else.
The proliferation of spoted owls in the area led to an expansion
in the economy. Quick to take advantage of the situation, the locals began their own manufacturing and distribution of Spoted owl products such as "Spoted Owl Helper" and "Spoted Owl PiƱatas"and other Spoted Owl festivities. The businesses in the area, however, were once again beaten back by the government and their allies, the
environmentalists. While mining, logging, and laging still remain
productive industries in the area, Lagerville had bigger visions of where it could be.
They wanted to be "the biggest town with less than a hunnert
people in the area". So they started working at attracting tourists. The first attempts, the Mumbly-Peg Shootouts by Limpin' Joe Watson didn't generate the fanfare expected.
Wasn't long, though, before they hit upon the real solution: Lager. They advertised as a fishing and hunting destination, and supplied their guests with large quantities of lager. It was perfect.
Perfect as could be for the technology of the time. However, in
the year 2000 they established an internet presence, only 5 years after Lagerville Loggin' Lager Days was renewed. The internet presence re-established Lagerville as not only a hunting, fishing, drinking paradise, but also as a place to live and raise a family. By mid-year of 2000, there were over a hunnert people that called Lagerville home.
(history of lagerville contains contributions from the historian Porad)