Waitress Cheats Uncle Sam

(OLM WireServices - 02/17/10)


A young, comely waitress at the Lagerville Cafe has admitted that she has been cheating Uncle Sam the last few years. While not actually saying "I've been cheating Uncle Sam the last few years", she has, however, admitted that she has not claimed all of her tips on her income taxes for the last few years.
"I have not claimed all of my tips on my income taxes for the last few years." admitted Caroline Clemons, waitress at the Lagerville Cafe, "I've been merely claiming some of them on my taxes the last few years. I figured if I claimed less tips on my income taxes, who is gonna know? I mean jeez."

Local waitress, Caroline Clemons, on a recent local outing funded by her cheating of the government, mocks authority with her mocking smile and sunglasses and hat and just the way she acts.




"Somebody's gotta do sumthin' about all this!" yelled LC Parker as she ate her breakfast, even though she had received less than adequate service.

Bear Attack Hampers Camper

(OLM WireServices – 02/10/2010)

Three local campers had an experience of a lifetime recently: A bear attack near their camp.
It was early morning and while breakfast was being prepared, one of the campers headed to the rig for possibly a nutritious breakfast treat or bottles of water. He had only gotten 20 or so yards into the bushes up the hill, when the other campers started hearing the most terrible roars they had ever heard. The bushes rattled and what looked like a struggle in the bushes continued up the hill along with the roaring. This went on for 5 or so minutes and then quieted. The two men in camp went back to eating their breakfast and within a half-hour their camping companion returned.
“What happened, bear attack ya?” asked one of the safe campers.
“Yup,” replied the camper who had been attacked, “ had me good there fer a minute, but now I feel invigorated.”
There were no visible marks on this camper and he explained that a lot of times bear attacks don’t even break the skin. ”It’s a living hell while the attack is taking place, but when it’s over ya feel mighty fine."

When asked why they didn’t try to go help their comrade the other campers replied “Eatin’ breakfast” and “He got himself inta that mess he can git himself outa it.”

The attacked camper seemed to have no ill feelings toward the other campers but rather appeared to be kind of embarrassed.

“It’s my fault,” he said, “ I wasn’t cautious last evening and did not take the proper precautions to guard against a bear attack. Ya might say I was even invitin’ one. We were just lucky we all weren’t attacked.”

News Brief

New Briefs
(OLM WireServices -02/10/2010)

Lud Morgan returned from Lewiston today with some new briefs. He chose the boxer brief variety and says “ with this new purchase I should be able to hold off on washin’ m’ underwear until at least next fall.”

Local Drawing Held Today

(OLM WireServices – 02/06/2010)

A local drawing was held today by Mayor Porad Skinner as he showed it to the townsfolk and addressed the crowd as to it’s historical significance.
Details of the drawing were sketchy, however, which Mayor Skinner said added to it’s historical impact.
Most folks could not see the drawing and complained that what was the use of a drawing if you couldn’t see it.
The drawing, found under taped under a barstool at Lanky’s Roughneck Saloon when Lanky woke up one morning, was what Mayor Skinner described as “historically significant”. He also insists that the drawing will be displayed at the courthouse and also published in the Lagerville News in the future.
Mayor Skinner also asks that if anyone has any information about this drawing to come talk to him as soon as possible.

Tommy’s Pond to Host Bass Tournament

(OLMWireServices – 02/05/2010)

In this reporter’s latest interview with Tommy, the Tommy who owns the local Tommy’s Pond, it was learned that Tommy’s Pond will be hosting a Bass fishing tournament in March.
“When did Tommy’s Pond start havin’ bass?” asked Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, echoing the sentiments of a variety of townsfolk who had gathered around after hearing the news.
“Hell, ain’t noone fished Tommy’s Pond in years since it got overgrowed with weeds an’ moss an’ sech!” cried LC Parker.
“I used t’ sit there an’ watch m’ bobber all day long an’ jerk m’ rod when it went under,” reminisced Lud Morgan, who had come to town recently for supplies. “Now I don’t know what to do.”
Sheriff Buck Wallace sauntered up to the gathering and explained: “I’ve had Tommy in custody for th’ past few hours and interrogated him unmercifully. Turns out he’s been keepin’ bass fer when his local pond gets choked up with weeds and moss. He’s revealed that there’s plenty of room underneath fer bass an’ now he’s got so many he’s hosting a Bass Tournament. Anyone can enter if they pay the $50 entry fee.”
In a prepared statement Mayor Porad Skinner stated that he would be entering the Bass fishing tournament, but expected no favors from Tommy.
Tournament rules and schedules will be posted around town when they’re known.

Lagerville High Recruit Signs With CSU

(OLM WireServices – 02/03/10)

The Lagerville Loggers most highly recruited player in the history of Lagerville High School signed a Letter of Intent (LOI) to play football for the Colorado State University (CSU) Rams.
Colorado State Coach Steve Fairchild said he nearly slipped out of his chair when he received the fax from KC “Futbol” Jocklin early on Wednesday morning, the first day players can sign LOIs (Letter of Intents).
“Although I have a slippery chair and slip out of it quite often,” Fairchild said, “ I do think the surprise of landing a recruit the caliber of KC “Futbol” Jocklin caused the slippage this time. Wide receivers like KC don’t come around very often.We should be able to put his capabilites to good use.I predict he’ll be a favorite of new quarterback Pete Thomas, as he’ll be asked to bring cups of gatorade to him and all the other players. With his speed he should be able to run as fast as he can with a tray of gatorade cups and still not spill them.”
The 5’7” 134 pound slow wide-receiver, the Logger’s best player, used his 5.1 40 speed to get him down to the fax machine at Lagerville General as soon as possible first thing Wednesday morning.
“Sometimes sendin’ faxes is tricky, so I wanted t’ git down there early in case I dialt wrong or th’ paper jammed. Then I’d have all mornin’ t’ git it taken care of so I could go fishin’ down t’ Tommy’s Pond.”

KC "Futbol" Jocklin signs Letter of Intent to fax later that morning.

Jocklin, who is an avid fisherman, stated that his choices had been narrowed down to Colorado State University, Charleston Southern University, and Columbus State University.
“ It came down to that it just felt right in m’ heart t’ choose CSU over CSU and CSU,” said KC, “ I certainly hope I had th’ right fax number.”
“That’ll be 50 cents for the fax!!” cried LC Parker.
Jocklin lead his team in receptions with 13 receptions for 130 yards (a ten yard average) and one touchdown during his Senior season as the captain of the Loggers 1-6 football squad that narrowly missed the playoffs.

As KC "Futbol" Jocklin left Lagerville General after the historic fax, he commented that LC Parker could collect the 50 cents from Colorado State University.