Catch Of The Month Entry Too Close

(OLM WireServices 01/14/2010)

A recent entry into the LAFF (Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing club) Catch of the Month contest was just too close to the camera. The sensational whitefish was caught by whitefish angler and Lagerville resident Chris G. Willikers on a recent outing to the Salmon River. Willikers journeyed down to the end of Painter Mine Road to catch this marvelous whitefish out of the Salmon. Using BWOs that “matched the hatch” and a little hunk of worm, Willikers was able to land dozens of spectacular whitefish, but the photo of his best catch of the day was just too close to be considered for the LAFF Catch of the Month.





Chris G. Willikers seen in the photo that was just too close.








“Ooh, gawd that is just too close,” grimaced LC Parker, a Catch of the Month Judge, as she turned away while being shown the Catch of the Month entry. “Nobody wants to see Willikers that close.”
“Gee,” said Willikers, “I extended my arm as far as it would go and it was still just too close. I have no one to blame but myself for having short arms. Next time I’ll probably bring along ol' Tripod.”
Another Catch of the Month Judge and founder of LAFF, Mayor Porad Skinner, said, “Yes, that is pretty darn close. Too close if ya ask me. If we let Willikers get away with this too close entry, then pretty soon people will be sending in entry photos that are even closer. That is not in the spirit intended by LAFF when we instituted LAFF's Catch of the Month.”
There are two more weeks left in the month, so Willikers has more time to try again for the LAFF Catch of the Month. Wish him luck!

Record Muley Bagged

Record Muley Bagged
(OLM Wire Services- 11/12/09)

Tim "Tag" Taggart bagged what he claims is a record mule deer buck.
The deer, killed over on Big Mallard Creek during the early archery hunt, has " bigger horns then ever seen on a muley", according to Tag.
Tag came into the town with the huge buck in the back of his truck so he could show the townsfolk the record.

Tag Taggart with his record muley

When asked how he knew it was a record, Tag responded " Ya ever seen a muley with horns as big as these here?" When the answer was no, Tag replied, "there ya have it."
When questioned on the possibility that it might be an elk, Tag invited this reporter up to take a look. " Ha! Look at this here. Whut does this here tag affixed t' the antler say? Read it good and loud. Loud nuff fer everone t' hear!"
"It says,Official Mule Deer Tag only. Not for use on Elk."
"Well there ya go."
"Looks like it's legal folks. Tag Taggart has a Record Muley!!", responded this reporter.
The cheering was as loud as has ever been heard in Lagerville, well, since the cheese truck crashed, anyway.
"Wait til Lud Morgan hears about this!" yelled one bystander as the crowd dispersed.

Celebrity Whipped

(OLM Wire Services 04/18/09)
Nearly two months after the grand opening events for Lanky's Roughneck Saloon had all but concluded, a celebrity reared his glamorous head in Lagerville and was promptly mudwrestled to the ground by saloon proprietor Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson. The bout was over within seconds and Roughneck declared himself the winner.
Larry Storch, Corporal Agarn of F-Troop fame, was the hapless celebrity who wandered into town at the wrong time and didn't know what hit him until he was covered with mud and Roughneck Lawson.



Larry Storch








Storch demands a rematch saying his "years of wrestling Chief Wild Eagle has taken it's toll", and that if he can get a non-surprise bout he feels he can get Roughneck to "cry uncle in a matter of minutes".
We'll keep you posted on the rematch, if there is one.
In case you missed it, here are the winners from the Grand Opening festivities:
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Officer Buck Wallace. His skill was and is unmatched.
Dart Tournament: Porad Skinner, much improved over the Ruptured Duck Crushing of 1989.
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Tie- The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a beer guzzling contest until they'd won.
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Tie -The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a yarn spinnin' contest until they'd won.
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Lila Shorewill, visitor from Conconully, WA happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a wet t-shirt contest until she'd won.
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, surprise attack sealed celebrity Larry Storch's

Rescue Party Looks For Lorne

(OLM WireServices - 04/18/09)

A rescue party scoured the hills south of town today, looking for young Lorne Young who vanished after school yesterday. He was walking home from school after school, this reporter learned, and never reached home by dinner time. His mother says that she misses him but sometimes doesn't think about it.
The rescue squad looked and looked for Lorne throughout yesterday evening and into the dark. The search continued today with Mayor Porad Skinner taking a leadership role in the search.





Mayor Skinner seen here looking forlorn while taking a break from looking for Lorne.






Visibly discouraged, Mayor Porad Skinner leaned against the corner of the porch at the old Starin home, which was a abandonded years ago and since has become a popular hangout for youths. The Mayor had a hunch that the Young boy may have gone to this area, but the search revealed nothing except the hat and jacket he was last seen wearing. "I don't know what to think," said Mayor Skinner who seemed to be shaken by the inability of the Rescue Squad to find Lorne. "We need to find something that gives us hope, that gives us an idea where he might have gone. We need to keep looking for the poor lad, at least until we find him."
The towns folks still held out hope to find Lorne. Meanwhile the Spring-Loaded Festival is still in full swing, so if you get tired of looking for Lorne, come back to town and raise your spirits at the SLF.

Cracker Truck Jackknifes on Hairpin Turn

(OLM WireServices – 04/15/09)

A recent cheese 'n' cracker delivery to the Lagerville General Store went awry.
The large 18-wheel diesel truck jackknifed coming down Lagerville Grade on the notorious Hairpin Turn, named so because it was shaped like a ladie’s hairpin. The accident happened at approximately 9:32 am and the truck ended up on it’s side a few yards over the edge of the highway.

Individual servings of Cheese N' Crackers, however, were scattered all the way down the hillside. Some still in their case boxes and some individually strewn about.

Deputy Cannonball was the second to arrive on the scene and when asked to give his assessment of the situation, he replied, "Free Cheese 'N' Crackers!"
This was apparently the sentiment of everyone, as already a multitude of townsfolk had gathered on the grade to collect free Cheese N' Crackers.

"I'll never have to buy free Cheese 'N' Crackers again!" cried one gatherer.

Offcer Wallace arrived shortly thereafter with LC Parker, the owner of Lagerville General. When asked if she thought that this would hurt Cheese 'N' Cracker sales, she yelled, " This will definitely put a damper on it, but luckily Cheese 'N' Crackers ain't my bread ‘n’ butter!"
When asked by this reporter what her bread and butter was, she cried. "Bread ‘n’ butter, ain't that whut I jus’ said!?"

By noon all the free Cheese 'N' Crackers were gone from the road and hillside.

RESIDENT ATTEMPTS TO SELL PROPERTY WITH PINK CHAIRS AROUND FIRE PIT

(OLM WireServices 04/15/09)

A daring, dashing young resident has put his house up for sale recently and the asking price would produce a fine profit if achieved. However, this dashing, daring, young homeowner has placed photographs of pink chairs around the fire pit on his online (internet) house selling advertisement. The beautiful 3 story enchanting home, complete with the Lagerville watertower in the south acreage, has been richly enhanced by the inclusion of the pink chairs around the fire pit.
Other home owners in the area cry fowl that the pink chairs around the fire pit are an unfair advantage in the selling of the home.
Local real estate experts and appraisers think that his asking price is too low now that the pink chairs have been strategically placed around the fire pit.
“What a good effort in this homeowners thinking,” said one agent. “ If he’d set th’ pink chairs out in front of th' garage where they could get run over, or in th' slope of the driveway, they wouldn’t have nearly the financial effect they do now.”
Deputy Cannonball, the second two arrive on the seen and sitting in one of the pink “Adirondack” chairs, said that he couldn’t tell the chairs were pink when he lay back in the chair and “stared straight up t’ th’ heavens”.

LC Parker, starting to raise an axe to the chairs, cried “I hate these gawddam chairs!” Luckily Sheriff Buck Wallace arrived and subdued the irate Parker before she could inflict any damage.

Just then, the daring, dashing young homeowner returned home and the real estate agents, appraisers, Sheriffs, Deputies, reporters and LC Parkers beat a hasty retreat off the property of the bewildered homeowner.

There was no fire in the fire pit at the time of this report.

Johnson Pasture Floods

(OLM WireServices - 03/23/09)

Surveying the recently flooded pasture, Dirk Zoner said that even though his cows had been in the Johnson pasture by Johnson creek (considered to be a river by some) just a few of months, they were already falling in love with it. “It’s a great place for them to roam around and eat grass all day long,” said Zoner, "and at night, who knows what they do."

All that changed early Tuesday morning, when a torrent of water surged over the banks of Johnson creek during a heavy rain. By the next day, nearly two thirds of the pasture was covered with water and the cows were forced to avoid the flooded area and concentrate their grazing on the remaining, unflooded, pasture. "If the water would’ve risen much more, it’d put the entire pasture underwater an’ we’d’ve had t’ move the cows back across the road t’ the other pasture,” said Zoner, one of many Greater Lagerville area residents who knew that it was raining pretty heavily the other night. “We haven't had this much rain since Nov ’08 when we had that big rain. The river rising certainly wasn't something we expected.”

The most severe damage was done where the pasture was closest to Johnson Creek.

"I lived here just 11 years, but I've worked in the area 32 years and I've never seen anything like this," said Zoner's next-door neighbor, Craig "Burkey" Burk, whose woodshed had water rise up to the foundation and nearly dampen the siding.

Neighbors, driving by on the county road, said that they did notice that the cows seemed to be congregating in one area. Lud Morgan, who lives at the top of the hill sometimes, said that he thought it was just the cows "herdin' instinct" that caused them to stay together at the upper end of the pasture. That is, until he noticed the nearly 10 inches* of water in the lower section of the pasture.

*some estimates had the depth of the water at 11 inches.


Note the stick, possibly part of a longer branch, and other debris left by the floodwaters in the lower end of the pasture near Johnson Creek.

When this reporter pointed out this sign to Dirk Zoner, he said he had not seen it prior to renting the Johnson pasture.

Video of what local experts say Johnson Creek may have looked like prior to flooding the Johnson pasture.

Lagerville Talent Show/Contest Cancelled

(OLM WireServices 02/20/09)

This reporter has learned that, due to the lack of available talent, the 5th Annual Lagerville Talent Show/Contest scheduled for Thursday, February 26th, 2009 will be cancelled.
“This will be the 5th year in a row I’ve had to cancel the talent show,” explained talent show organizer/host Gary Flair. “ If this keeps up I may not bother to put on the Lagerville Talent Show/Contest anymore.”
Ironically, Flair insists that his talent is putting on talent shows but lately has nothing to show for it.
“Seems like all the people with talent are busy this coming Thursday so I have no choice but to cancel again this year,” continued Flair.
“You ain’t got no talent show!” cried LC Parker.
Just then Deputy Cannonball, the second to arrive on the scene, mentioned that he was available Thursday.
“ I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Deputy,” said Flair, “but it’s just too late. And you have no talent.”
“ All the others with talent are available Friday,” said Deputy Cannonball.
“Yes, therein lies my dilemma,” replied Flair.
Those of you without talent that were available to watch the talent show, don’t bother.
Due to an apparent scheduling conflict, it has been cancelled.

New Saloon Opens in Lagerville

(OLM WireServices – 02/17/09)

Lanky's Roughneck Saloon will be having it's grand opening on February 28th. Owner Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson says he will cater to all roughnecks in and around Lagerville. "And them who's necks ain't so rough. They'll be 'fodder for the Roughnecks".

Roughneck Lawson (pictured at left) means bidness, Saloon bidness.

Roughneck, who used to run an illegal still up past Sinker Mountain, decided that he might as well make legal money rather than be on constant run from the law, Officer Wallace in particular.
When asked, by this reporter, how he had managed to get his liquor license, Roughneck replied, " Liquor license?" All technicalities aside, Roughneck says that his establishment will be the premiere entertainment center in Lagerville inside a year.
He also says he plans to have the best gizzards east of Doofers. In fact, he will have free gizzards for all during the Grand Opening festivities.
Roughneck encourages all who want to participate in his grand opening tournaments.

Scheduled Events, February 28, 2009
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Noon to Closing
Dart Tournament: Noon to Closing
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Noon to Closing
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Noon to Closing
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Noon to Closing
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Whenever a Celebrity shows up

MARSHALL’S MEAT CENTER PLANS HUGE SALE

(OLM WireServices - 02/16/09)

Frank Marshall, owner and operator of Marshall’s Meat Center, confirmed today that Marshall’s Meat Center will be having a huge 4-Hour sale this weekend.
Marshall says that this will be the longest 4- Hour sale ever seen in Lagerville, Idaho.
Marshall’s purpose of this huge sale is to bring in customers from as far away as Darby, Montana and also to sell off all the grocery items that expired 5 -10, even 15 years ago.
“It’s just not cost effective to keep all these expired items, especially in t’days economy” said Marshall, “They’re still good for sure, but some people shy away from items that have that pesky expiration date. I mean, take this Gerber Baby Cereal, expiration November 7th, 1993, how can baby cereal go bad? It’ll be a great bargain for someone.”
Marshall also plans to sell off his stockpile of venison tenderloin.
This year Marshall says he won’t jack up the prices a week ahead of the sale and then reduce them to the normal price as he used to do when he tried unsuccessfully to have huge sales.
“I even plan to have m’ son, Huey, flown in here to help around the cash register because of all the anticipated business. Plus I’m havin’ trouble with th’ e-mail so I’m sure he’ll fix that too.”
Marshall plans to open the doors early on Saturday so he can get the four hours over with as soon as possible so he can take his stoneflies and go catch some whitefish.
There will be a free balloon so come early when the doors open at 6am on Saturday.