Friday, February 21, 2014
Lost in Lostine
LOST IN LOSTINE
BY LOREN CLEMENTS
________________________________________
In the hardened manner to which he’d grown accustomed, Lanky Lawson made his tavern entrance. Earlier arrivals could only stare, mouths agape as Lanky approached the well-worn bar.
Tension hung in the air as he pondered his next move. He looked around the smoke filled room one more time, spit out something that was in his mouth and turned back to the bar.
“Do you serve beer here?” asked Lanky.
The crowd gasped, then a hush. The steely-eyed bartender continued to wipe down the bar and slowly moved toward Lanky. She stopped and finally looked up at Lanky with steely-eyes and said, “It’s a tavern ain’t it?”
The crowd murmured. The bartender continued to stare at Lanky and Lanky stared outside.
After what seemed like an eternity, Lanky said, “Well, I’ll take one then.”
The silence was broken, the tension was cleared, and the others in the bar went back to their own affairs.
The calm didn’t last long, however, as the steely-eyed bartender countered Lanky’s proposal with: “What kind?”
Lanky’s quick thinking partner gasped, then a hush as he knew that more than once this query had been a stumper for Lanky. He held his breath hoping that Lanky would answer correctly and in a timely manner.
“MGD,” was Lanky’s reply.
“We ain’t got…M-G-D,” the steely-eyed bartender replied slowly, leaning on the counter. She deliberatly edged closer to Lanky, thrusting her chin toward him in a fashion that suggested she was daring him to try once more.
“Uh…uh,” Lanky was stammering. He’s starting to lose his cool thought his quick thinking partner.
“We’ll take a couple of Blitz-Weinhards,” said his partner, thinking quickly.
“Yeah, that sounds mighty fine,” said Lanky as he, oblivious to the tension he had created, headed off toward the restroom.
Lanky’s quick thinking partner could only shake his head as Lanky wandered off. “Another day like yesterday, and the day before….and tomorrow,” he thought.
Returning from the restroom with cheeks aglow, and obviously the happiest person in the Lostine Tavern, Lanky said, “I think the bartender likes me.”
“Yes, yes she does,” replied Lanky’s quick thinking partner. “She likes you as much as she likes workin’ in a smoky tavern fer 50 years and getting nowhere with her life or her health.
By this time, Lanky was playing with a small burlap bag he’d found on the bar and was paying no attention to his quick thinking partner’s intelligent humor.
“Hey check this out!” Lanky giggled with glee. “Ya squeeze this here thing and it sounds like a cat squallerin’ in a burlap bag! Ain’t that somethin’?”
As Lanky ran off to the restroom again, the steely- eyed bartender approached the quick thinking partner. “What’s his deal?” she asked.
“Don’t rightly know, but he allus means well an’ he’s got a good heart. Ya just gotta give him a chancet.”
“Well, I’ll give him a chancet to buy one a them fake cats in a bag fer sixteen bucks. I wanna get rid of them damn things.”
“Ya know, I think he really likes ‘em so ya got a fair chance fer a sale.”
The bartender silently slid away as Lanky returned.
“I jest cain’t get over that cat squallerin’ in a bag like ‘at. I gotta find out where I can git one o’ them.”
“I know where ya kin git one a them,” said the steely-eyed bartender as she re-approached. “I got some right here in this box fer sixteen bucks each! But I’ll give ‘er t’ ya fer fifteen!”
“I’ll take one!” cried Lanky. “I can’t believe it!”
After they swilled another couple of Blitz-Weinhards and the quick thinking partner left the steely-eyed bartender a handsome tip. The duo headed for the exit.
Lanky moseyed out first, as was his habit, and his quick thinking partner glanced back in time to hear the steely-eyed bartender say, “Good luck! Looks like you’ll need it.” And she went back to wiping the bar for another 50 years.
Outside, Lanky was still overjoyed at his good fortune.
“See I told you she likes me, “ he said.
“Yep,” replied his quick thinking partner, “She likes you as much as she likes being stuck with a box full o’ cats in a bag that she ain’t ever gonna sell.”
Smiling and clutching his “squallerin’” cat, Lanky backed the truck onto the highway and then began steering it towards the next tavern.
To find out if it serves beer.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Waitress Cheats Uncle Sam
(OLM WireServices - 02/17/10)
A young, comely waitress at the Lagerville Cafe has admitted that she has been cheating Uncle Sam the last few years. While not actually saying "I've been cheating Uncle Sam the last few years", she has, however, admitted that she has not claimed all of her tips on her income taxes for the last few years.
"I have not claimed all of my tips on my income taxes for the last few years." admitted Caroline Clemons, waitress at the Lagerville Cafe, "I've been merely claiming some of them on my taxes the last few years. I figured if I claimed less tips on my income taxes, who is gonna know? I mean jeez."
Local waitress, Caroline Clemons, on a recent local outing funded by her cheating of the government, mocks authority with her mocking smile and sunglasses and hat and just the way she acts.
"Somebody's gotta do sumthin' about all this!" yelled LC Parker as she ate her breakfast, even though she had received less than adequate service.
A young, comely waitress at the Lagerville Cafe has admitted that she has been cheating Uncle Sam the last few years. While not actually saying "I've been cheating Uncle Sam the last few years", she has, however, admitted that she has not claimed all of her tips on her income taxes for the last few years.
"I have not claimed all of my tips on my income taxes for the last few years." admitted Caroline Clemons, waitress at the Lagerville Cafe, "I've been merely claiming some of them on my taxes the last few years. I figured if I claimed less tips on my income taxes, who is gonna know? I mean jeez."
Local waitress, Caroline Clemons, on a recent local outing funded by her cheating of the government, mocks authority with her mocking smile and sunglasses and hat and just the way she acts.
"Somebody's gotta do sumthin' about all this!" yelled LC Parker as she ate her breakfast, even though she had received less than adequate service.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Bear Attack Hampers Camper
(OLM WireServices – 02/10/2010)
Three local campers had an experience of a lifetime recently: A bear attack near their camp.
It was early morning and while breakfast was being prepared, one of the campers headed to the rig for possibly a nutritious breakfast treat or bottles of water. He had only gotten 20 or so yards into the bushes up the hill, when the other campers started hearing the most terrible roars they had ever heard. The bushes rattled and what looked like a struggle in the bushes continued up the hill along with the roaring. This went on for 5 or so minutes and then quieted. The two men in camp went back to eating their breakfast and within a half-hour their camping companion returned.
“What happened, bear attack ya?” asked one of the safe campers.
“Yup,” replied the camper who had been attacked, “ had me good there fer a minute, but now I feel invigorated.”
There were no visible marks on this camper and he explained that a lot of times bear attacks don’t even break the skin. ”It’s a living hell while the attack is taking place, but when it’s over ya feel mighty fine."
When asked why they didn’t try to go help their comrade the other campers replied “Eatin’ breakfast” and “He got himself inta that mess he can git himself outa it.”
The attacked camper seemed to have no ill feelings toward the other campers but rather appeared to be kind of embarrassed.
“It’s my fault,” he said, “ I wasn’t cautious last evening and did not take the proper precautions to guard against a bear attack. Ya might say I was even invitin’ one. We were just lucky we all weren’t attacked.”
Three local campers had an experience of a lifetime recently: A bear attack near their camp.
It was early morning and while breakfast was being prepared, one of the campers headed to the rig for possibly a nutritious breakfast treat or bottles of water. He had only gotten 20 or so yards into the bushes up the hill, when the other campers started hearing the most terrible roars they had ever heard. The bushes rattled and what looked like a struggle in the bushes continued up the hill along with the roaring. This went on for 5 or so minutes and then quieted. The two men in camp went back to eating their breakfast and within a half-hour their camping companion returned.
“What happened, bear attack ya?” asked one of the safe campers.
“Yup,” replied the camper who had been attacked, “ had me good there fer a minute, but now I feel invigorated.”
There were no visible marks on this camper and he explained that a lot of times bear attacks don’t even break the skin. ”It’s a living hell while the attack is taking place, but when it’s over ya feel mighty fine."
When asked why they didn’t try to go help their comrade the other campers replied “Eatin’ breakfast” and “He got himself inta that mess he can git himself outa it.”
The attacked camper seemed to have no ill feelings toward the other campers but rather appeared to be kind of embarrassed.
“It’s my fault,” he said, “ I wasn’t cautious last evening and did not take the proper precautions to guard against a bear attack. Ya might say I was even invitin’ one. We were just lucky we all weren’t attacked.”
News Brief
New Briefs
(OLM WireServices -02/10/2010)
Lud Morgan returned from Lewiston today with some new briefs. He chose the boxer brief variety and says “ with this new purchase I should be able to hold off on washin’ m’ underwear until at least next fall.”
(OLM WireServices -02/10/2010)
Lud Morgan returned from Lewiston today with some new briefs. He chose the boxer brief variety and says “ with this new purchase I should be able to hold off on washin’ m’ underwear until at least next fall.”
Friday, February 5, 2010
Local Drawing Held Today
(OLM WireServices – 02/06/2010)
A local drawing was held today by Mayor Porad Skinner as he showed it to the townsfolk and addressed the crowd as to it’s historical significance.
Details of the drawing were sketchy, however, which Mayor Skinner said added to it’s historical impact.
Most folks could not see the drawing and complained that what was the use of a drawing if you couldn’t see it.
The drawing, found under taped under a barstool at Lanky’s Roughneck Saloon when Lanky woke up one morning, was what Mayor Skinner described as “historically significant”. He also insists that the drawing will be displayed at the courthouse and also published in the Lagerville News in the future.
Mayor Skinner also asks that if anyone has any information about this drawing to come talk to him as soon as possible.
A local drawing was held today by Mayor Porad Skinner as he showed it to the townsfolk and addressed the crowd as to it’s historical significance.
Details of the drawing were sketchy, however, which Mayor Skinner said added to it’s historical impact.
Most folks could not see the drawing and complained that what was the use of a drawing if you couldn’t see it.
The drawing, found under taped under a barstool at Lanky’s Roughneck Saloon when Lanky woke up one morning, was what Mayor Skinner described as “historically significant”. He also insists that the drawing will be displayed at the courthouse and also published in the Lagerville News in the future.
Mayor Skinner also asks that if anyone has any information about this drawing to come talk to him as soon as possible.
Tommy’s Pond to Host Bass Tournament
(OLMWireServices – 02/05/2010)
In this reporter’s latest interview with Tommy, the Tommy who owns the local Tommy’s Pond, it was learned that Tommy’s Pond will be hosting a Bass fishing tournament in March.
“When did Tommy’s Pond start havin’ bass?” asked Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, echoing the sentiments of a variety of townsfolk who had gathered around after hearing the news.
“Hell, ain’t noone fished Tommy’s Pond in years since it got overgrowed with weeds an’ moss an’ sech!” cried LC Parker.
“I used t’ sit there an’ watch m’ bobber all day long an’ jerk m’ rod when it went under,” reminisced Lud Morgan, who had come to town recently for supplies. “Now I don’t know what to do.”
Sheriff Buck Wallace sauntered up to the gathering and explained: “I’ve had Tommy in custody for th’ past few hours and interrogated him unmercifully. Turns out he’s been keepin’ bass fer when his local pond gets choked up with weeds and moss. He’s revealed that there’s plenty of room underneath fer bass an’ now he’s got so many he’s hosting a Bass Tournament. Anyone can enter if they pay the $50 entry fee.”
In a prepared statement Mayor Porad Skinner stated that he would be entering the Bass fishing tournament, but expected no favors from Tommy.
Tournament rules and schedules will be posted around town when they’re known.
In this reporter’s latest interview with Tommy, the Tommy who owns the local Tommy’s Pond, it was learned that Tommy’s Pond will be hosting a Bass fishing tournament in March.
“When did Tommy’s Pond start havin’ bass?” asked Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, echoing the sentiments of a variety of townsfolk who had gathered around after hearing the news.
“Hell, ain’t noone fished Tommy’s Pond in years since it got overgrowed with weeds an’ moss an’ sech!” cried LC Parker.
“I used t’ sit there an’ watch m’ bobber all day long an’ jerk m’ rod when it went under,” reminisced Lud Morgan, who had come to town recently for supplies. “Now I don’t know what to do.”
Sheriff Buck Wallace sauntered up to the gathering and explained: “I’ve had Tommy in custody for th’ past few hours and interrogated him unmercifully. Turns out he’s been keepin’ bass fer when his local pond gets choked up with weeds and moss. He’s revealed that there’s plenty of room underneath fer bass an’ now he’s got so many he’s hosting a Bass Tournament. Anyone can enter if they pay the $50 entry fee.”
In a prepared statement Mayor Porad Skinner stated that he would be entering the Bass fishing tournament, but expected no favors from Tommy.
Tournament rules and schedules will be posted around town when they’re known.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Lagerville High Recruit Signs With CSU
(OLM WireServices – 02/03/10)
The Lagerville Loggers most highly recruited player in the history of Lagerville High School signed a Letter of Intent (LOI) to play football for the Colorado State University (CSU) Rams.
Colorado State Coach Steve Fairchild said he nearly slipped out of his chair when he received the fax from KC “Futbol” Jocklin early on Wednesday morning, the first day players can sign LOIs (Letter of Intents).
“Although I have a slippery chair and slip out of it quite often,” Fairchild said, “ I do think the surprise of landing a recruit the caliber of KC “Futbol” Jocklin caused the slippage this time. Wide receivers like KC don’t come around very often.We should be able to put his capabilites to good use.I predict he’ll be a favorite of new quarterback Pete Thomas, as he’ll be asked to bring cups of gatorade to him and all the other players. With his speed he should be able to run as fast as he can with a tray of gatorade cups and still not spill them.”
The 5’7” 134 pound slow wide-receiver, the Logger’s best player, used his 5.1 40 speed to get him down to the fax machine at Lagerville General as soon as possible first thing Wednesday morning.
“Sometimes sendin’ faxes is tricky, so I wanted t’ git down there early in case I dialt wrong or th’ paper jammed. Then I’d have all mornin’ t’ git it taken care of so I could go fishin’ down t’ Tommy’s Pond.”
The Lagerville Loggers most highly recruited player in the history of Lagerville High School signed a Letter of Intent (LOI) to play football for the Colorado State University (CSU) Rams.
Colorado State Coach Steve Fairchild said he nearly slipped out of his chair when he received the fax from KC “Futbol” Jocklin early on Wednesday morning, the first day players can sign LOIs (Letter of Intents).
“Although I have a slippery chair and slip out of it quite often,” Fairchild said, “ I do think the surprise of landing a recruit the caliber of KC “Futbol” Jocklin caused the slippage this time. Wide receivers like KC don’t come around very often.We should be able to put his capabilites to good use.I predict he’ll be a favorite of new quarterback Pete Thomas, as he’ll be asked to bring cups of gatorade to him and all the other players. With his speed he should be able to run as fast as he can with a tray of gatorade cups and still not spill them.”
The 5’7” 134 pound slow wide-receiver, the Logger’s best player, used his 5.1 40 speed to get him down to the fax machine at Lagerville General as soon as possible first thing Wednesday morning.
“Sometimes sendin’ faxes is tricky, so I wanted t’ git down there early in case I dialt wrong or th’ paper jammed. Then I’d have all mornin’ t’ git it taken care of so I could go fishin’ down t’ Tommy’s Pond.”
KC "Futbol" Jocklin signs Letter of Intent to fax later that morning.
Jocklin, who is an avid fisherman, stated that his choices had been narrowed down to Colorado State University, Charleston Southern University, and Columbus State University.
“ It came down to that it just felt right in m’ heart t’ choose CSU over CSU and CSU,” said KC, “ I certainly hope I had th’ right fax number.”
“That’ll be 50 cents for the fax!!” cried LC Parker.
Jocklin lead his team in receptions with 13 receptions for 130 yards (a ten yard average) and one touchdown during his Senior season as the captain of the Loggers 1-6 football squad that narrowly missed the playoffs.
As KC "Futbol" Jocklin left Lagerville General after the historic fax, he commented that LC Parker could collect the 50 cents from Colorado State University.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Occasional Police Blotter
(OLM WireServices - 01/25/2010)
________________________________________
01/18/2010
On May 20 at 3:15 p.m. on the eastside of Lagerville, down near the trailer park, three male juveniles had been seen on several occasions stealing parts from abandoned cars, which had been parked at the rear of a resident's property. Although they had been chased away several times, they continued. A deputy, brought to the area where the juveniles lived, observed two of the males carrying seat cushions that were taken from the resident's property. When contacted, they gave a written statement before being taken to their homes where they were released to their parents pending possible charges of theft at the Juvenile Court.
________________________________________
01/19/2010
A 32-year-old woman reported that her vehicle was stolen. The vehicle was idling as she went back into the house to wait for the vehicle to warm up from a cold night out in the elements. When she returned there was nothing but exhaust fumes where her purple vehicle once was. After surmising it was stolen, she started to call 911 on her cell phone but before she could even dial 9, she realized it was in the stolen vehicle. She was finally able to contact the police through the use of the phone that had been installed inside the house quite some time ago. Once police arrived and she explained how the vehicle was stolen, she was immediately advised that it was entirely her fault the vehicle was stolen and then arrested and booked on charges of 1st Degree Car Idling.
The surprised woman was bitter over the entire ordeal, but the officer just said that she could complain all she wanted in the county jail.
Caller reported a man walking down Highway 14 barefooted. Sheriff responded, but no suspect located.
Caller reported that minors were seen drinking at the end of BeaverSlide road, a known teen party area. Deputy responded and when teens were confronted they said that they had not been drinking and were just scouting for deer sign for next fall's deer hunting season.
Police responded to a burglar alarm at the Lagerville Hardware Store on main street. Reports said the officer had to climb the store's back fence to check the area. He found unlocked windows, but nothing missing.
________________________________________
01/20/2010
Caller reported seeing an auto weaving back and forth across the road on Jack Mtn Road, narrowly missing him. Sheriff responded and found no "weaver", but did find a car in the ditch. The driver was still in the car and seemed to regain consciousness when the Sheriff knocked on his window. The driver said he had not been weaving.
________________________________________
01/21/2010
Driving Under
Young man hauled into court today because his headlight was out on the vehicle he was trying to drive. The young man told the judge that the police officer instructed him where to go buy a headlight. He did just that, but it did not seem to help, as he "could not hardly see no matter how many lights" he had on, due to his current intoxicated state, which limited the effectiveness of two headlights.
The Judge dismissed the case.
________________________________________
01/22/2010
Swindled
An employee at a business in downtown Dixie reported being conned out of $50 Wednesday. Reports said the suspect left before officers could arrive. No other details are available.
Van Fire
A Lagerville man accidentally set his 1972 van on fire Friday. Police reports said he was driving to the laundramat to pick up his girlfriend, when he accidentally started some papers on fire with a match. Reports said he thought he had put the fire out before he got out of the van and went inside, but 10 minutes later his girlfriend noticed an orange glow coming from his van. Lagerville Fire Department put out the fire and the man had the van towed to his house.
Vandalism
A 16-year-old boy became so enraged from lack of sleep Tuesday that he stabbed his bedroom door with a kitchen knife. He told County sheriff's deputy that he got up early to go to school and came home exhausted. He was asleep when his mother told him to get out of bed around 11:30am and not lay around all day. He said he became angry and started yelling at her, picking up a knife and stabbing it into a door. He said he never assaulted or touched his mother at their home on Lagerville Way. Police said another door in the hallway also was damaged. The boy's mother said she didn't want to file criminal charges and didn't want the boy arrested.
________________________________________
01/18/2010
On May 20 at 3:15 p.m. on the eastside of Lagerville, down near the trailer park, three male juveniles had been seen on several occasions stealing parts from abandoned cars, which had been parked at the rear of a resident's property. Although they had been chased away several times, they continued. A deputy, brought to the area where the juveniles lived, observed two of the males carrying seat cushions that were taken from the resident's property. When contacted, they gave a written statement before being taken to their homes where they were released to their parents pending possible charges of theft at the Juvenile Court.
________________________________________
01/19/2010
A 32-year-old woman reported that her vehicle was stolen. The vehicle was idling as she went back into the house to wait for the vehicle to warm up from a cold night out in the elements. When she returned there was nothing but exhaust fumes where her purple vehicle once was. After surmising it was stolen, she started to call 911 on her cell phone but before she could even dial 9, she realized it was in the stolen vehicle. She was finally able to contact the police through the use of the phone that had been installed inside the house quite some time ago. Once police arrived and she explained how the vehicle was stolen, she was immediately advised that it was entirely her fault the vehicle was stolen and then arrested and booked on charges of 1st Degree Car Idling.
The surprised woman was bitter over the entire ordeal, but the officer just said that she could complain all she wanted in the county jail.
Caller reported a man walking down Highway 14 barefooted. Sheriff responded, but no suspect located.
Caller reported that minors were seen drinking at the end of BeaverSlide road, a known teen party area. Deputy responded and when teens were confronted they said that they had not been drinking and were just scouting for deer sign for next fall's deer hunting season.
Police responded to a burglar alarm at the Lagerville Hardware Store on main street. Reports said the officer had to climb the store's back fence to check the area. He found unlocked windows, but nothing missing.
________________________________________
01/20/2010
Caller reported seeing an auto weaving back and forth across the road on Jack Mtn Road, narrowly missing him. Sheriff responded and found no "weaver", but did find a car in the ditch. The driver was still in the car and seemed to regain consciousness when the Sheriff knocked on his window. The driver said he had not been weaving.
________________________________________
01/21/2010
Driving Under
Young man hauled into court today because his headlight was out on the vehicle he was trying to drive. The young man told the judge that the police officer instructed him where to go buy a headlight. He did just that, but it did not seem to help, as he "could not hardly see no matter how many lights" he had on, due to his current intoxicated state, which limited the effectiveness of two headlights.
The Judge dismissed the case.
________________________________________
01/22/2010
Swindled
An employee at a business in downtown Dixie reported being conned out of $50 Wednesday. Reports said the suspect left before officers could arrive. No other details are available.
Van Fire
A Lagerville man accidentally set his 1972 van on fire Friday. Police reports said he was driving to the laundramat to pick up his girlfriend, when he accidentally started some papers on fire with a match. Reports said he thought he had put the fire out before he got out of the van and went inside, but 10 minutes later his girlfriend noticed an orange glow coming from his van. Lagerville Fire Department put out the fire and the man had the van towed to his house.
Vandalism
A 16-year-old boy became so enraged from lack of sleep Tuesday that he stabbed his bedroom door with a kitchen knife. He told County sheriff's deputy that he got up early to go to school and came home exhausted. He was asleep when his mother told him to get out of bed around 11:30am and not lay around all day. He said he became angry and started yelling at her, picking up a knife and stabbing it into a door. He said he never assaulted or touched his mother at their home on Lagerville Way. Police said another door in the hallway also was damaged. The boy's mother said she didn't want to file criminal charges and didn't want the boy arrested.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Local Man Catches Catch of the Month
(OLM WireServices – 01/18/2010)
Over the weekend Chris G. Willikers went fishing again and true to his word brought along ol’ Tripod on his quest to hook the Catch of the Month. However, bringing along Dave “Tripod” Woods, may have backfired in a big way.
Tripod ( who says they started calling him Tripod back in high school) commenced to catch, not a whitefish, but a splendid rainbow trout. The trout was large and worthy of a photo. As fate would have it, Willikers was the the only one with a camera, so he snapped a photo of Tripod holding his trout. Not only did he take the photo, but he took it at what some judge to be the perfect distance for a picture of a man holding his trout.
In addition, Tripod submitted the photo to LAFF (Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing Club) and took the honors for the January Catch of the Month. Willikers was much chagrined from this turn of events and vowed to keep fishing until he caught a Catch of the Month.
“There’s ‘leven more months left,” stated Willikers, fist clenched, "the sad part about all this is that I let Tripod hold m' rod jus' fer a second an' wouldn't ya know it, he hooked th' Catch of the Month!"
Over the weekend Chris G. Willikers went fishing again and true to his word brought along ol’ Tripod on his quest to hook the Catch of the Month. However, bringing along Dave “Tripod” Woods, may have backfired in a big way.
Tripod ( who says they started calling him Tripod back in high school) commenced to catch, not a whitefish, but a splendid rainbow trout. The trout was large and worthy of a photo. As fate would have it, Willikers was the the only one with a camera, so he snapped a photo of Tripod holding his trout. Not only did he take the photo, but he took it at what some judge to be the perfect distance for a picture of a man holding his trout.
In addition, Tripod submitted the photo to LAFF (Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing Club) and took the honors for the January Catch of the Month. Willikers was much chagrined from this turn of events and vowed to keep fishing until he caught a Catch of the Month.
“There’s ‘leven more months left,” stated Willikers, fist clenched, "the sad part about all this is that I let Tripod hold m' rod jus' fer a second an' wouldn't ya know it, he hooked th' Catch of the Month!"
Dave "Tripod" Woods gleeful over catch of the month.
City Hall Gets New Gravel Grant
(OLM WireServices – 01/18/2010)
Mayor Porad Skinner was pleased to announce today that Lagerville has received a Gravel Grant from the county to put fresh gravel in the City Hall Parking lot.
Lud Morgan was available and used his pick-up to haul the gravel from the gravel pit north of town. A volunteer with a shovel emptied the gravel from his truck and spread it all over the old gravel.
Mayor Skinner seemed please to be able to stand on the new gravel and also to park his city issued Jetta on the ½” gray granite rock.
“This gravel is much more gravely than th’ previous gravel,” stated Mayor Skinner in a prepared speech, “ I feel that this gravel can only add to the future of parking and future parking in Lagerville! It just feels good. And it also covered up all the brodie tracks.”
“It just feels good,” said Mayor Porad Skinner of the fresh new gravel in front of City Hall.
“What th’ hell was wrong with th’ old gravel?!”cried LC Parker, who some suspect was the one that made the brodies in the parking lot.
Mayor Porad Skinner was pleased to announce today that Lagerville has received a Gravel Grant from the county to put fresh gravel in the City Hall Parking lot.
Lud Morgan was available and used his pick-up to haul the gravel from the gravel pit north of town. A volunteer with a shovel emptied the gravel from his truck and spread it all over the old gravel.
Mayor Skinner seemed please to be able to stand on the new gravel and also to park his city issued Jetta on the ½” gray granite rock.
“This gravel is much more gravely than th’ previous gravel,” stated Mayor Skinner in a prepared speech, “ I feel that this gravel can only add to the future of parking and future parking in Lagerville! It just feels good. And it also covered up all the brodie tracks.”
“It just feels good,” said Mayor Porad Skinner of the fresh new gravel in front of City Hall.“What th’ hell was wrong with th’ old gravel?!”cried LC Parker, who some suspect was the one that made the brodies in the parking lot.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Catch Of The Month Entry Too Close
(OLM WireServices 01/14/2010)
A recent entry into the LAFF (Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing club) Catch of the Month contest was just too close to the camera. The sensational whitefish was caught by whitefish angler and Lagerville resident Chris G. Willikers on a recent outing to the Salmon River. Willikers journeyed down to the end of Painter Mine Road to catch this marvelous whitefish out of the Salmon. Using BWOs that “matched the hatch” and a little hunk of worm, Willikers was able to land dozens of spectacular whitefish, but the photo of his best catch of the day was just too close to be considered for the LAFF Catch of the Month.
Chris G. Willikers seen in the photo that was just too close.
“Ooh, gawd that is just too close,” grimaced LC Parker, a Catch of the Month Judge, as she turned away while being shown the Catch of the Month entry. “Nobody wants to see Willikers that close.”
“Gee,” said Willikers, “I extended my arm as far as it would go and it was still just too close. I have no one to blame but myself for having short arms. Next time I’ll probably bring along ol' Tripod.”
Another Catch of the Month Judge and founder of LAFF, Mayor Porad Skinner, said, “Yes, that is pretty darn close. Too close if ya ask me. If we let Willikers get away with this too close entry, then pretty soon people will be sending in entry photos that are even closer. That is not in the spirit intended by LAFF when we instituted LAFF's Catch of the Month.”
There are two more weeks left in the month, so Willikers has more time to try again for the LAFF Catch of the Month. Wish him luck!
A recent entry into the LAFF (Lagerville Anglers Fly Fishing club) Catch of the Month contest was just too close to the camera. The sensational whitefish was caught by whitefish angler and Lagerville resident Chris G. Willikers on a recent outing to the Salmon River. Willikers journeyed down to the end of Painter Mine Road to catch this marvelous whitefish out of the Salmon. Using BWOs that “matched the hatch” and a little hunk of worm, Willikers was able to land dozens of spectacular whitefish, but the photo of his best catch of the day was just too close to be considered for the LAFF Catch of the Month.
Chris G. Willikers seen in the photo that was just too close.
“Ooh, gawd that is just too close,” grimaced LC Parker, a Catch of the Month Judge, as she turned away while being shown the Catch of the Month entry. “Nobody wants to see Willikers that close.”
“Gee,” said Willikers, “I extended my arm as far as it would go and it was still just too close. I have no one to blame but myself for having short arms. Next time I’ll probably bring along ol' Tripod.”
Another Catch of the Month Judge and founder of LAFF, Mayor Porad Skinner, said, “Yes, that is pretty darn close. Too close if ya ask me. If we let Willikers get away with this too close entry, then pretty soon people will be sending in entry photos that are even closer. That is not in the spirit intended by LAFF when we instituted LAFF's Catch of the Month.”
There are two more weeks left in the month, so Willikers has more time to try again for the LAFF Catch of the Month. Wish him luck!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Record Muley Bagged
Record Muley Bagged
(OLM Wire Services- 11/12/09)
Tim "Tag" Taggart bagged what he claims is a record mule deer buck.
The deer, killed over on Big Mallard Creek during the early archery hunt, has " bigger horns then ever seen on a muley", according to Tag.
Tag came into the town with the huge buck in the back of his truck so he could show the townsfolk the record.
Tag Taggart with his record muley
When asked how he knew it was a record, Tag responded " Ya ever seen a muley with horns as big as these here?" When the answer was no, Tag replied, "there ya have it."
When questioned on the possibility that it might be an elk, Tag invited this reporter up to take a look. " Ha! Look at this here. Whut does this here tag affixed t' the antler say? Read it good and loud. Loud nuff fer everone t' hear!"
"It says,Official Mule Deer Tag only. Not for use on Elk."
"Well there ya go."
"Looks like it's legal folks. Tag Taggart has a Record Muley!!", responded this reporter.
The cheering was as loud as has ever been heard in Lagerville, well, since the cheese truck crashed, anyway.
"Wait til Lud Morgan hears about this!" yelled one bystander as the crowd dispersed.
(OLM Wire Services- 11/12/09)
Tim "Tag" Taggart bagged what he claims is a record mule deer buck.
The deer, killed over on Big Mallard Creek during the early archery hunt, has " bigger horns then ever seen on a muley", according to Tag.
Tag came into the town with the huge buck in the back of his truck so he could show the townsfolk the record.
Tag Taggart with his record muleyWhen asked how he knew it was a record, Tag responded " Ya ever seen a muley with horns as big as these here?" When the answer was no, Tag replied, "there ya have it."
When questioned on the possibility that it might be an elk, Tag invited this reporter up to take a look. " Ha! Look at this here. Whut does this here tag affixed t' the antler say? Read it good and loud. Loud nuff fer everone t' hear!"
"It says,Official Mule Deer Tag only. Not for use on Elk."
"Well there ya go."
"Looks like it's legal folks. Tag Taggart has a Record Muley!!", responded this reporter.
The cheering was as loud as has ever been heard in Lagerville, well, since the cheese truck crashed, anyway.
"Wait til Lud Morgan hears about this!" yelled one bystander as the crowd dispersed.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Celebrity Whipped
(OLM Wire Services 04/18/09)
Nearly two months after the grand opening events for Lanky's Roughneck Saloon had all but concluded, a celebrity reared his glamorous head in Lagerville and was promptly mudwrestled to the ground by saloon proprietor Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson. The bout was over within seconds and Roughneck declared himself the winner.
Larry Storch, Corporal Agarn of F-Troop fame, was the hapless celebrity who wandered into town at the wrong time and didn't know what hit him until he was covered with mud and Roughneck Lawson.
Larry Storch
Storch demands a rematch saying his "years of wrestling Chief Wild Eagle has taken it's toll", and that if he can get a non-surprise bout he feels he can get Roughneck to "cry uncle in a matter of minutes".
We'll keep you posted on the rematch, if there is one.
In case you missed it, here are the winners from the Grand Opening festivities:
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Officer Buck Wallace. His skill was and is unmatched.
Dart Tournament: Porad Skinner, much improved over the Ruptured Duck Crushing of 1989.
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Tie- The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a beer guzzling contest until they'd won.
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Tie -The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a yarn spinnin' contest until they'd won.
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Lila Shorewill, visitor from Conconully, WA happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a wet t-shirt contest until she'd won.
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, surprise attack sealed celebrity Larry Storch's
Nearly two months after the grand opening events for Lanky's Roughneck Saloon had all but concluded, a celebrity reared his glamorous head in Lagerville and was promptly mudwrestled to the ground by saloon proprietor Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson. The bout was over within seconds and Roughneck declared himself the winner.
Larry Storch, Corporal Agarn of F-Troop fame, was the hapless celebrity who wandered into town at the wrong time and didn't know what hit him until he was covered with mud and Roughneck Lawson.
Larry Storch
Storch demands a rematch saying his "years of wrestling Chief Wild Eagle has taken it's toll", and that if he can get a non-surprise bout he feels he can get Roughneck to "cry uncle in a matter of minutes".
We'll keep you posted on the rematch, if there is one.
In case you missed it, here are the winners from the Grand Opening festivities:
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Officer Buck Wallace. His skill was and is unmatched.
Dart Tournament: Porad Skinner, much improved over the Ruptured Duck Crushing of 1989.
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Tie- The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a beer guzzling contest until they'd won.
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Tie -The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a yarn spinnin' contest until they'd won.
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Lila Shorewill, visitor from Conconully, WA happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a wet t-shirt contest until she'd won.
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, surprise attack sealed celebrity Larry Storch's
Rescue Party Looks For Lorne
(OLM WireServices - 04/18/09)
A rescue party scoured the hills south of town today, looking for young Lorne Young who vanished after school yesterday. He was walking home from school after school, this reporter learned, and never reached home by dinner time. His mother says that she misses him but sometimes doesn't think about it.
The rescue squad looked and looked for Lorne throughout yesterday evening and into the dark. The search continued today with Mayor Porad Skinner taking a leadership role in the search.
Mayor Skinner seen here looking forlorn while taking a break from looking for Lorne.
Visibly discouraged, Mayor Porad Skinner leaned against the corner of the porch at the old Starin home, which was a abandonded years ago and since has become a popular hangout for youths. The Mayor had a hunch that the Young boy may have gone to this area, but the search revealed nothing except the hat and jacket he was last seen wearing. "I don't know what to think," said Mayor Skinner who seemed to be shaken by the inability of the Rescue Squad to find Lorne. "We need to find something that gives us hope, that gives us an idea where he might have gone. We need to keep looking for the poor lad, at least until we find him."
The towns folks still held out hope to find Lorne. Meanwhile the Spring-Loaded Festival is still in full swing, so if you get tired of looking for Lorne, come back to town and raise your spirits at the SLF.
A rescue party scoured the hills south of town today, looking for young Lorne Young who vanished after school yesterday. He was walking home from school after school, this reporter learned, and never reached home by dinner time. His mother says that she misses him but sometimes doesn't think about it.
The rescue squad looked and looked for Lorne throughout yesterday evening and into the dark. The search continued today with Mayor Porad Skinner taking a leadership role in the search.
Mayor Skinner seen here looking forlorn while taking a break from looking for Lorne.
Visibly discouraged, Mayor Porad Skinner leaned against the corner of the porch at the old Starin home, which was a abandonded years ago and since has become a popular hangout for youths. The Mayor had a hunch that the Young boy may have gone to this area, but the search revealed nothing except the hat and jacket he was last seen wearing. "I don't know what to think," said Mayor Skinner who seemed to be shaken by the inability of the Rescue Squad to find Lorne. "We need to find something that gives us hope, that gives us an idea where he might have gone. We need to keep looking for the poor lad, at least until we find him."
The towns folks still held out hope to find Lorne. Meanwhile the Spring-Loaded Festival is still in full swing, so if you get tired of looking for Lorne, come back to town and raise your spirits at the SLF.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Cracker Truck Jackknifes on Hairpin Turn
(OLM WireServices – 04/15/09)
A recent cheese 'n' cracker delivery to the Lagerville General Store went awry.
The large 18-wheel diesel truck jackknifed coming down Lagerville Grade on the notorious Hairpin Turn, named so because it was shaped like a ladie’s hairpin. The accident happened at approximately 9:32 am and the truck ended up on it’s side a few yards over the edge of the highway.
Individual servings of Cheese N' Crackers, however, were scattered all the way down the hillside. Some still in their case boxes and some individually strewn about.
Deputy Cannonball was the second to arrive on the scene and when asked to give his assessment of the situation, he replied, "Free Cheese 'N' Crackers!"
This was apparently the sentiment of everyone, as already a multitude of townsfolk had gathered on the grade to collect free Cheese N' Crackers.
"I'll never have to buy free Cheese 'N' Crackers again!" cried one gatherer.
Offcer Wallace arrived shortly thereafter with LC Parker, the owner of Lagerville General. When asked if she thought that this would hurt Cheese 'N' Cracker sales, she yelled, " This will definitely put a damper on it, but luckily Cheese 'N' Crackers ain't my bread ‘n’ butter!"
When asked by this reporter what her bread and butter was, she cried. "Bread ‘n’ butter, ain't that whut I jus’ said!?"
By noon all the free Cheese 'N' Crackers were gone from the road and hillside.
A recent cheese 'n' cracker delivery to the Lagerville General Store went awry.
The large 18-wheel diesel truck jackknifed coming down Lagerville Grade on the notorious Hairpin Turn, named so because it was shaped like a ladie’s hairpin. The accident happened at approximately 9:32 am and the truck ended up on it’s side a few yards over the edge of the highway.
Individual servings of Cheese N' Crackers, however, were scattered all the way down the hillside. Some still in their case boxes and some individually strewn about.
Deputy Cannonball was the second to arrive on the scene and when asked to give his assessment of the situation, he replied, "Free Cheese 'N' Crackers!"
This was apparently the sentiment of everyone, as already a multitude of townsfolk had gathered on the grade to collect free Cheese N' Crackers.
"I'll never have to buy free Cheese 'N' Crackers again!" cried one gatherer.
Offcer Wallace arrived shortly thereafter with LC Parker, the owner of Lagerville General. When asked if she thought that this would hurt Cheese 'N' Cracker sales, she yelled, " This will definitely put a damper on it, but luckily Cheese 'N' Crackers ain't my bread ‘n’ butter!"
When asked by this reporter what her bread and butter was, she cried. "Bread ‘n’ butter, ain't that whut I jus’ said!?"
By noon all the free Cheese 'N' Crackers were gone from the road and hillside.
RESIDENT ATTEMPTS TO SELL PROPERTY WITH PINK CHAIRS AROUND FIRE PIT
(OLM WireServices 04/15/09)
A daring, dashing young resident has put his house up for sale recently and the asking price would produce a fine profit if achieved. However, this dashing, daring, young homeowner has placed photographs of pink chairs around the fire pit on his online (internet) house selling advertisement. The beautiful 3 story enchanting home, complete with the Lagerville watertower in the south acreage, has been richly enhanced by the inclusion of the pink chairs around the fire pit.
Other home owners in the area cry fowl that the pink chairs around the fire pit are an unfair advantage in the selling of the home.
Local real estate experts and appraisers think that his asking price is too low now that the pink chairs have been strategically placed around the fire pit.
“What a good effort in this homeowners thinking,” said one agent. “ If he’d set th’ pink chairs out in front of th' garage where they could get run over, or in th' slope of the driveway, they wouldn’t have nearly the financial effect they do now.”
Deputy Cannonball, the second two arrive on the seen and sitting in one of the pink “Adirondack” chairs, said that he couldn’t tell the chairs were pink when he lay back in the chair and “stared straight up t’ th’ heavens”.
LC Parker, starting to raise an axe to the chairs, cried “I hate these gawddam chairs!” Luckily Sheriff Buck Wallace arrived and subdued the irate Parker before she could inflict any damage.
Just then, the daring, dashing young homeowner returned home and the real estate agents, appraisers, Sheriffs, Deputies, reporters and LC Parkers beat a hasty retreat off the property of the bewildered homeowner.
There was no fire in the fire pit at the time of this report.
A daring, dashing young resident has put his house up for sale recently and the asking price would produce a fine profit if achieved. However, this dashing, daring, young homeowner has placed photographs of pink chairs around the fire pit on his online (internet) house selling advertisement. The beautiful 3 story enchanting home, complete with the Lagerville watertower in the south acreage, has been richly enhanced by the inclusion of the pink chairs around the fire pit.
Other home owners in the area cry fowl that the pink chairs around the fire pit are an unfair advantage in the selling of the home.
Local real estate experts and appraisers think that his asking price is too low now that the pink chairs have been strategically placed around the fire pit.
“What a good effort in this homeowners thinking,” said one agent. “ If he’d set th’ pink chairs out in front of th' garage where they could get run over, or in th' slope of the driveway, they wouldn’t have nearly the financial effect they do now.”
Deputy Cannonball, the second two arrive on the seen and sitting in one of the pink “Adirondack” chairs, said that he couldn’t tell the chairs were pink when he lay back in the chair and “stared straight up t’ th’ heavens”.
LC Parker, starting to raise an axe to the chairs, cried “I hate these gawddam chairs!” Luckily Sheriff Buck Wallace arrived and subdued the irate Parker before she could inflict any damage.
Just then, the daring, dashing young homeowner returned home and the real estate agents, appraisers, Sheriffs, Deputies, reporters and LC Parkers beat a hasty retreat off the property of the bewildered homeowner.
There was no fire in the fire pit at the time of this report.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Johnson Pasture Floods
(OLM WireServices - 03/23/09)
Surveying the recently flooded pasture, Dirk Zoner said that even though his cows had been in the Johnson pasture by Johnson creek (considered to be a river by some) just a few of months, they were already falling in love with it. “It’s a great place for them to roam around and eat grass all day long,” said Zoner, "and at night, who knows what they do."
All that changed early Tuesday morning, when a torrent of water surged over the banks of Johnson creek during a heavy rain. By the next day, nearly two thirds of the pasture was covered with water and the cows were forced to avoid the flooded area and concentrate their grazing on the remaining, unflooded, pasture. "If the water would’ve risen much more, it’d put the entire pasture underwater an’ we’d’ve had t’ move the cows back across the road t’ the other pasture,” said Zoner, one of many Greater Lagerville area residents who knew that it was raining pretty heavily the other night. “We haven't had this much rain since Nov ’08 when we had that big rain. The river rising certainly wasn't something we expected.”
The most severe damage was done where the pasture was closest to Johnson Creek.
"I lived here just 11 years, but I've worked in the area 32 years and I've never seen anything like this," said Zoner's next-door neighbor, Craig "Burkey" Burk, whose woodshed had water rise up to the foundation and nearly dampen the siding.
Neighbors, driving by on the county road, said that they did notice that the cows seemed to be congregating in one area. Lud Morgan, who lives at the top of the hill sometimes, said that he thought it was just the cows "herdin' instinct" that caused them to stay together at the upper end of the pasture. That is, until he noticed the nearly 10 inches* of water in the lower section of the pasture.
*some estimates had the depth of the water at 11 inches.
Note the stick, possibly part of a longer branch, and other debris left by the floodwaters in the lower end of the pasture near Johnson Creek.
When this reporter pointed out this sign to Dirk Zoner, he said he had not seen it prior to renting the Johnson pasture.
Video of what local experts say Johnson Creek may have looked like prior to flooding the Johnson pasture.
Surveying the recently flooded pasture, Dirk Zoner said that even though his cows had been in the Johnson pasture by Johnson creek (considered to be a river by some) just a few of months, they were already falling in love with it. “It’s a great place for them to roam around and eat grass all day long,” said Zoner, "and at night, who knows what they do."
All that changed early Tuesday morning, when a torrent of water surged over the banks of Johnson creek during a heavy rain. By the next day, nearly two thirds of the pasture was covered with water and the cows were forced to avoid the flooded area and concentrate their grazing on the remaining, unflooded, pasture. "If the water would’ve risen much more, it’d put the entire pasture underwater an’ we’d’ve had t’ move the cows back across the road t’ the other pasture,” said Zoner, one of many Greater Lagerville area residents who knew that it was raining pretty heavily the other night. “We haven't had this much rain since Nov ’08 when we had that big rain. The river rising certainly wasn't something we expected.”
The most severe damage was done where the pasture was closest to Johnson Creek.
"I lived here just 11 years, but I've worked in the area 32 years and I've never seen anything like this," said Zoner's next-door neighbor, Craig "Burkey" Burk, whose woodshed had water rise up to the foundation and nearly dampen the siding.
Neighbors, driving by on the county road, said that they did notice that the cows seemed to be congregating in one area. Lud Morgan, who lives at the top of the hill sometimes, said that he thought it was just the cows "herdin' instinct" that caused them to stay together at the upper end of the pasture. That is, until he noticed the nearly 10 inches* of water in the lower section of the pasture.
*some estimates had the depth of the water at 11 inches.
Note the stick, possibly part of a longer branch, and other debris left by the floodwaters in the lower end of the pasture near Johnson Creek.
When this reporter pointed out this sign to Dirk Zoner, he said he had not seen it prior to renting the Johnson pasture.
Video of what local experts say Johnson Creek may have looked like prior to flooding the Johnson pasture.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Lagerville Talent Show/Contest Cancelled
(OLM WireServices 02/20/09)
This reporter has learned that, due to the lack of available talent, the 5th Annual Lagerville Talent Show/Contest scheduled for Thursday, February 26th, 2009 will be cancelled.
“This will be the 5th year in a row I’ve had to cancel the talent show,” explained talent show organizer/host Gary Flair. “ If this keeps up I may not bother to put on the Lagerville Talent Show/Contest anymore.”
Ironically, Flair insists that his talent is putting on talent shows but lately has nothing to show for it.
“Seems like all the people with talent are busy this coming Thursday so I have no choice but to cancel again this year,” continued Flair.
“You ain’t got no talent show!” cried LC Parker.
Just then Deputy Cannonball, the second to arrive on the scene, mentioned that he was available Thursday.
“ I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Deputy,” said Flair, “but it’s just too late. And you have no talent.”
“ All the others with talent are available Friday,” said Deputy Cannonball.
“Yes, therein lies my dilemma,” replied Flair.
Those of you without talent that were available to watch the talent show, don’t bother.
Due to an apparent scheduling conflict, it has been cancelled.
This reporter has learned that, due to the lack of available talent, the 5th Annual Lagerville Talent Show/Contest scheduled for Thursday, February 26th, 2009 will be cancelled.
“This will be the 5th year in a row I’ve had to cancel the talent show,” explained talent show organizer/host Gary Flair. “ If this keeps up I may not bother to put on the Lagerville Talent Show/Contest anymore.”
Ironically, Flair insists that his talent is putting on talent shows but lately has nothing to show for it.
“Seems like all the people with talent are busy this coming Thursday so I have no choice but to cancel again this year,” continued Flair.
“You ain’t got no talent show!” cried LC Parker.
Just then Deputy Cannonball, the second to arrive on the scene, mentioned that he was available Thursday.
“ I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Deputy,” said Flair, “but it’s just too late. And you have no talent.”
“ All the others with talent are available Friday,” said Deputy Cannonball.
“Yes, therein lies my dilemma,” replied Flair.
Those of you without talent that were available to watch the talent show, don’t bother.
Due to an apparent scheduling conflict, it has been cancelled.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
New Saloon Opens in Lagerville
(OLM WireServices – 02/17/09)
Lanky's Roughneck Saloon will be having it's grand opening on February 28th. Owner Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson says he will cater to all roughnecks in and around Lagerville. "And them who's necks ain't so rough. They'll be 'fodder for the Roughnecks".
Roughneck Lawson (pictured at left) means bidness, Saloon bidness.
Roughneck, who used to run an illegal still up past Sinker Mountain, decided that he might as well make legal money rather than be on constant run from the law, Officer Wallace in particular.
When asked, by this reporter, how he had managed to get his liquor license, Roughneck replied, " Liquor license?" All technicalities aside, Roughneck says that his establishment will be the premiere entertainment center in Lagerville inside a year.
He also says he plans to have the best gizzards east of Doofers. In fact, he will have free gizzards for all during the Grand Opening festivities.
Roughneck encourages all who want to participate in his grand opening tournaments.
Scheduled Events, February 28, 2009
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Noon to Closing
Dart Tournament: Noon to Closing
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Noon to Closing
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Noon to Closing
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Noon to Closing
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Whenever a Celebrity shows up
Monday, February 16, 2009
MARSHALL’S MEAT CENTER PLANS HUGE SALE
(OLM WireServices - 02/16/09)
Frank Marshall, owner and operator of Marshall’s Meat Center, confirmed today that Marshall’s Meat Center will be having a huge 4-Hour sale this weekend.
Marshall says that this will be the longest 4- Hour sale ever seen in Lagerville, Idaho.
Marshall’s purpose of this huge sale is to bring in customers from as far away as Darby, Montana and also to sell off all the grocery items that expired 5 -10, even 15 years ago.
“It’s just not cost effective to keep all these expired items, especially in t’days economy” said Marshall, “They’re still good for sure, but some people shy away from items that have that pesky expiration date. I mean, take this Gerber Baby Cereal, expiration November 7th, 1993, how can baby cereal go bad? It’ll be a great bargain for someone.”
Marshall also plans to sell off his stockpile of venison tenderloin.
This year Marshall says he won’t jack up the prices a week ahead of the sale and then reduce them to the normal price as he used to do when he tried unsuccessfully to have huge sales.
“I even plan to have m’ son, Huey, flown in here to help around the cash register because of all the anticipated business. Plus I’m havin’ trouble with th’ e-mail so I’m sure he’ll fix that too.”
Marshall plans to open the doors early on Saturday so he can get the four hours over with as soon as possible so he can take his stoneflies and go catch some whitefish.
There will be a free balloon so come early when the doors open at 6am on Saturday.
Frank Marshall, owner and operator of Marshall’s Meat Center, confirmed today that Marshall’s Meat Center will be having a huge 4-Hour sale this weekend.
Marshall says that this will be the longest 4- Hour sale ever seen in Lagerville, Idaho.
Marshall’s purpose of this huge sale is to bring in customers from as far away as Darby, Montana and also to sell off all the grocery items that expired 5 -10, even 15 years ago.
“It’s just not cost effective to keep all these expired items, especially in t’days economy” said Marshall, “They’re still good for sure, but some people shy away from items that have that pesky expiration date. I mean, take this Gerber Baby Cereal, expiration November 7th, 1993, how can baby cereal go bad? It’ll be a great bargain for someone.”
Marshall also plans to sell off his stockpile of venison tenderloin.
This year Marshall says he won’t jack up the prices a week ahead of the sale and then reduce them to the normal price as he used to do when he tried unsuccessfully to have huge sales.
“I even plan to have m’ son, Huey, flown in here to help around the cash register because of all the anticipated business. Plus I’m havin’ trouble with th’ e-mail so I’m sure he’ll fix that too.”
Marshall plans to open the doors early on Saturday so he can get the four hours over with as soon as possible so he can take his stoneflies and go catch some whitefish.
There will be a free balloon so come early when the doors open at 6am on Saturday.
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