Celebrity Whipped

(OLM Wire Services 04/18/09)
Nearly two months after the grand opening events for Lanky's Roughneck Saloon had all but concluded, a celebrity reared his glamorous head in Lagerville and was promptly mudwrestled to the ground by saloon proprietor Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson. The bout was over within seconds and Roughneck declared himself the winner.
Larry Storch, Corporal Agarn of F-Troop fame, was the hapless celebrity who wandered into town at the wrong time and didn't know what hit him until he was covered with mud and Roughneck Lawson.



Larry Storch








Storch demands a rematch saying his "years of wrestling Chief Wild Eagle has taken it's toll", and that if he can get a non-surprise bout he feels he can get Roughneck to "cry uncle in a matter of minutes".
We'll keep you posted on the rematch, if there is one.
In case you missed it, here are the winners from the Grand Opening festivities:
Horseshoe Pitching Tournament: Officer Buck Wallace. His skill was and is unmatched.
Dart Tournament: Porad Skinner, much improved over the Ruptured Duck Crushing of 1989.
Beer Guzzlin' Tournament: Tie- The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a beer guzzling contest until they'd won.
Yarn Spinnin' Tournament: Tie -The Bastards of Young happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a yarn spinnin' contest until they'd won.
Wet T-Shirt Contest: Lila Shorewill, visitor from Conconully, WA happened into town at this time and didn't even know there was a wet t-shirt contest until she'd won.
Celebrity Mudwrestling: Lanky "Roughneck" Lawson, surprise attack sealed celebrity Larry Storch's

Rescue Party Looks For Lorne

(OLM WireServices - 04/18/09)

A rescue party scoured the hills south of town today, looking for young Lorne Young who vanished after school yesterday. He was walking home from school after school, this reporter learned, and never reached home by dinner time. His mother says that she misses him but sometimes doesn't think about it.
The rescue squad looked and looked for Lorne throughout yesterday evening and into the dark. The search continued today with Mayor Porad Skinner taking a leadership role in the search.





Mayor Skinner seen here looking forlorn while taking a break from looking for Lorne.






Visibly discouraged, Mayor Porad Skinner leaned against the corner of the porch at the old Starin home, which was a abandonded years ago and since has become a popular hangout for youths. The Mayor had a hunch that the Young boy may have gone to this area, but the search revealed nothing except the hat and jacket he was last seen wearing. "I don't know what to think," said Mayor Skinner who seemed to be shaken by the inability of the Rescue Squad to find Lorne. "We need to find something that gives us hope, that gives us an idea where he might have gone. We need to keep looking for the poor lad, at least until we find him."
The towns folks still held out hope to find Lorne. Meanwhile the Spring-Loaded Festival is still in full swing, so if you get tired of looking for Lorne, come back to town and raise your spirits at the SLF.

Cracker Truck Jackknifes on Hairpin Turn

(OLM WireServices – 04/15/09)

A recent cheese 'n' cracker delivery to the Lagerville General Store went awry.
The large 18-wheel diesel truck jackknifed coming down Lagerville Grade on the notorious Hairpin Turn, named so because it was shaped like a ladie’s hairpin. The accident happened at approximately 9:32 am and the truck ended up on it’s side a few yards over the edge of the highway.

Individual servings of Cheese N' Crackers, however, were scattered all the way down the hillside. Some still in their case boxes and some individually strewn about.

Deputy Cannonball was the second to arrive on the scene and when asked to give his assessment of the situation, he replied, "Free Cheese 'N' Crackers!"
This was apparently the sentiment of everyone, as already a multitude of townsfolk had gathered on the grade to collect free Cheese N' Crackers.

"I'll never have to buy free Cheese 'N' Crackers again!" cried one gatherer.

Offcer Wallace arrived shortly thereafter with LC Parker, the owner of Lagerville General. When asked if she thought that this would hurt Cheese 'N' Cracker sales, she yelled, " This will definitely put a damper on it, but luckily Cheese 'N' Crackers ain't my bread ‘n’ butter!"
When asked by this reporter what her bread and butter was, she cried. "Bread ‘n’ butter, ain't that whut I jus’ said!?"

By noon all the free Cheese 'N' Crackers were gone from the road and hillside.

RESIDENT ATTEMPTS TO SELL PROPERTY WITH PINK CHAIRS AROUND FIRE PIT

(OLM WireServices 04/15/09)

A daring, dashing young resident has put his house up for sale recently and the asking price would produce a fine profit if achieved. However, this dashing, daring, young homeowner has placed photographs of pink chairs around the fire pit on his online (internet) house selling advertisement. The beautiful 3 story enchanting home, complete with the Lagerville watertower in the south acreage, has been richly enhanced by the inclusion of the pink chairs around the fire pit.
Other home owners in the area cry fowl that the pink chairs around the fire pit are an unfair advantage in the selling of the home.
Local real estate experts and appraisers think that his asking price is too low now that the pink chairs have been strategically placed around the fire pit.
“What a good effort in this homeowners thinking,” said one agent. “ If he’d set th’ pink chairs out in front of th' garage where they could get run over, or in th' slope of the driveway, they wouldn’t have nearly the financial effect they do now.”
Deputy Cannonball, the second two arrive on the seen and sitting in one of the pink “Adirondack” chairs, said that he couldn’t tell the chairs were pink when he lay back in the chair and “stared straight up t’ th’ heavens”.

LC Parker, starting to raise an axe to the chairs, cried “I hate these gawddam chairs!” Luckily Sheriff Buck Wallace arrived and subdued the irate Parker before she could inflict any damage.

Just then, the daring, dashing young homeowner returned home and the real estate agents, appraisers, Sheriffs, Deputies, reporters and LC Parkers beat a hasty retreat off the property of the bewildered homeowner.

There was no fire in the fire pit at the time of this report.